Esoteric Liberica

Today is a remarkably good day for me. I worked from home. I stayed away from the crowds which I dislike very much. I had dinner with her and her family. And I am happy. Contented.

And I know why.

I have always been feeling miserable simply because I never had someone like-minded until she came along. Now everything is different. When I am with her I am at peace with myself. I am happy. I feel complete. I don’t feel alienated as before. I have someone who shares similarities with me.

Thank you for coming into my life.

Another entry in under less than hour. Writing is my best outlet. I am trying to psych myself out of my current mental state. Not much progress at the moment. I actually feel homesick of sorts.

What is this state of mind that eludes me? A cultural denial? Environmental displacement? Social ineptitude? Failure with readjustment? Trying too hard to conform? Or merely a mental refusal to accept what is before me? Does it go deeper?

Try as I might, I never felt I belonged here. I feel alienated. If it weren’t for her, I could have skipped the country for good. I thank God for meeting her. She has been a pillar to my sanity for the past few months.

I travel on a strange path that seems to be ever winding with so many twists and turns that I wonder if I am but a simple man caught up in a convoluted world. I do not see a lot of things other people see. I see everything as they are and live my life as simply as possible. Yet the overwhelmingly complicated expectations that stems from everyone else continue to tax my mental faculties heavily.

I yearn for a simpler life devoid of the complexities and expectations of this society that I am now in. I am who I am and that is how I am. Is it that difficult to understand and accept? Simple rules. No hidden agendas. No underlying tones or intents. Perhaps this is a state that cannot exist.

Seriously… what the hell is wrong with me? The stress, the heart palpitations, the insomnia, the nightmares are back. I was a happy man when I was away. When I came back, my demons didn’t go away. They were merely waiting to return back into my head.

My nightmares are back with a vengeance last night. Woke up screaming at 4.00 am. Why?

I could deal with the worse possible situations and stress before. Now I am just a wreck. Why?

I used to be in control with my life and what I needed to do. Now I am spiraling out of control. Why?

I used to know what my priorities were and where I was going. No longer. Why?

Every time I step out into the public, the stress in the air just drives me into a pandemonium. But it doesn’t affect me elsewhere. Why?

For some reason, a large proportion of the people here irks, irritates and stresses the hell out of me. Why?

p/s is this mid-life crisis?

Well, I am back. Realization… I am a stranger in my own backyard. I was more at home there than here. I fit in better with the general public over there. I feel more at ease, more comfortable, without stress and practically at peace with myself. But I need to adapt. I can try and continue trying. I do not know if I will be able to one day. For her I will try. She is the only reason why I am still here.

And you know what? This song says it all…. (okay, so the lyrics are a little cheesy, but only KISS can pull it off)

STAND – KISS / Sonic Boom

[Paul]
Sometimes when the days get rough
Don’t want to quit ’cause it’s much too tough
I’ll be around when the others are counting you out

[Gene]
Yeah…
You’ve heard my name, I’ll see it through
There’s nothing you can ask that I won’t do

You know it, and I know it
There’s no doubt anywhere, anyhow, any way…

[Chorus]
Stand by my side, I’ll be next to you (when you need me)
Stand by my side, and we’ll make it through

[Gene]
Oh yeah!
I’ll be there until the end
Count on me, you’ve always got a friend
I’ll be the last, when the others are passing you by

[Paul]
Oooh…
I’ll help you win, I’ll see it through
There’s nothing you can ask that I won’t do, no!

You know it, and I know it
There’s no doubt what I’m talking about when I say

Stand by my side, I’ll be next to you (we’re gonna be there)
Stand by my side, and we’ll make it through (we’re gonna make it, yeah-yeah)
Stand by my side, I’ll be there for you (we’re gonna be there, be there)
Stand by my side, and we’ll make it through
I’m there for you, let’s go!

[Guitar Solo]

Hey!

Can you hear me?

When all the others try to take you down
I’ll catch your fall before you hit the ground

Oh yeah!

No one can stop me if you need me there
I’ll be the one to drop them if they dare

[Break]
Stand by my side, we’ll get by, you and I
Stand by my side, I’ll be there for you (you and I)
Stand by my side, (we’ll get by) and we’ll make it through

Stand by my side, I’ll be next to you
Stand by my side, and we’ll make it through (yeah, just look over your shoulder)
Stand by my side, I’ll be there for you
Stand by my side, and we’ll make it through
Stand by my side, I’ll be next to you (Can you feel it? Can you hear it?)
Stand by my side, and we’ll make it through
Stand by my side, I’ll be there for you (We’re gonna make it baby)
Stand (Yeah) by my side, and we’ll make it through (Baby)

We spent the day at Hyde Park and St Mary’s Cathedral. Peaceful and calm would be the  best words to describe the experience. What ruined the day was the frigid winds that had a habit of catching us unawares and I might add the temperature shot down to about 14 degrees by late evening. On the brighter side, we had a good dinner to cap off the evening and tomorrow, we will be heading home. I hate to say this but I feel as if I am leaving home and heading back to a foreign land. Tomorrow, I will grab my last cup of long black, my bacon and egg roll and my last vegemite sandwich. Inhale my last breath of air here, savor the cold and drink my last Crown Larger. I feel rejuvenated and yet I feel sad for leaving this country again.

music: Stranger In A Strange Land – Frehley’s Comet

On a last minute whim and fancy, we signed on the a showboat dinner cruise and cabaret show. It was an enjoyable two hours with a pleasurable dinner cruise over Sydney Harbor under the stars with a scrumptious dinner and a very entertaining cabaret show to end the evening. We got home happy, exhausted and satisfied.

Being Saturday, we decided to take a ferry to Manley. We had uncanny luck today. When we reached Circular Quay, we got there barely ten minutes before the ferry was about to leave and on our return journey home, it was the same. Ten minutes before the vessel leaves. How’s that for timing? We spent a day browsing the local shops and bazaar, had an early dinner and basically had a relaxing afternoon.

Nothing exciting today, just an normal feel good and enjoyable day with her. It is nice to spend this precious moments with her before heading back to the grind of home. But in her case, I guess it’s also a good thing as she misses the weather back home.

music: Whatever It Takes – Leona Lewis

Last day of the congress today. Woke late this morning after last night’s Congress Dinner. We had a good time. Dinner was pretty good with a cold starter comprising of either a seafood medley with smoked salmon, oyster, scallops and prawns or smoked chicken with a nice ratatouille of olives, zucchini and eggplant. Dinner was equally satisfying, we both had a rump of lamb with vegemite roasted potatoes with side vegetables of snap peas, asparagus and broccoli sautéed in butter. Dinner was completed with a raspberry panna cotta or a chocolate caramel truffle with sorbet. We danced a bit (my first time) ever but I couldn’t keep up with her as always. I can see that she really enjoyed herself very much and it makes me really happy just to see her this way.

It has been an interesting two weeks (almost and so far) together and I have learned even more about her. And you know what? She’s fine. She’s perfect. I love her very much and even more so now. We have had some awkward moments and she probably discovered all my bad habits in this process but I guess this is what it’s all about isn’t it? I just hope she feels the same for me. I know that I may not live up to her expectations in some areas and I hope that she can accept my flaws. The trip has been demanding on her and I try my best to keep everything as comfortable as possible for her. Well, seeing that today is the last day of the congress, I am sure she will be more relaxed and we will have a great weekend together before we head for home.

Today, we plan to head over to Paddy’s Market / Hay Market for a spot of shopping and look-see. I don’t really have anything to buy off hand but I am sure I will if something catches my eye. Tomorrow, it’s a day tour at Manley and we’ll have a quick lunch before heading back to the city for more shopping and sightseeing. If we have the time, we may do another day tour instead. For now, we’ll just see where the wind takes us tomorrow.

music: Waking Up In Vegas – Katy Perry

10:36

Only a few more days and it will be time to go home. I am going to miss this country… again. Had a breakfast roll of bacon and eggs with a large long black this morning. I have to admit, food does bring one back to his roots. And in my case, I have never felt more at home than now.

The red dust has cleared and the skies are bright and sunny again. Tonight we have a Congress Dinner to attend at Cockle Bay. I am looking forward to it and yet not. Upside, the dinner should be a pretty fun event with an evening of fun, dinner and dance. On the downside, I don’t quite fancy walking out in the cold to get to the dinner venue and besides, I hope it doesn’t end too late as I would very much prefer to return home early for a good night’s rest.

It’s off to the florist after lunch to get her an orchid for tonight. Hopefully I will be able to get hold of one. I have about two to three hours to do so and no clue where the closest florist is.

12:45

I just had a bit of a Mongolian packed lunch which was pathetic to say the least. Lamb with Spring Onions over rice. I think I could have made a better lunch if given the proper cooking facilities and condiments. I succeeded in smelling up the room a little. Hopefully the smell of food will dissipate after an hour or two. It is nice to vegetate and not do anything for once. I have not done much in the past week and a half and by golly it feels good not to be productive. I don’t know what’s in store for me when I get back but as far as I am concerned, I am going to start clean and fresh again. New life, new people, new relationship. Speaking of which, I miss her a lot when she isn’t around. And every evening when I see her again, it just makes the day a lot brighter and better.

The weather’s warming up a bit and that’s a pretty good sign. Hopefully tonight will not be as chilly as a couple of nights ago although the weather here has a habit of behaving erratically.

16:05

Managed to get a stalk of orchid for a ridiculously expensive price of AUD7.00 but it’s worth every penny if it is going to make her look stunning in her outfit tonight. Funny, I don’t feel like a tourist here. I am quite happy to stay in the hotel and just patronize the shops in the surrounding area. Coffee, sandwiches, salads and wraps form my staple diet for the past week. And I am perfectly happy with what I am eating. We had a hot meal last night in Chinatown and if given a choice I’d rather eat the same stuff back in Singapore. The authenticity just does not quite cut it here. Then again, what is the definition of authentic anymore. With such diverse backgrounds and ethnicity here, there are so many variations of the same style of dish that it is quite difficult to ascertain which is more genuine or authentic.

Whichever it is, what is important is that there is happiness and peace to be found here. And that alone is priceless. As each day goes by, I am starting to find bits and pieces of my identity back. I am glad to have followed her here.

music: Orinoco Flow – Enya

09:53

Woke up this morning to strong winds and a dust storm in the city whittling visibility down to 300 meters. It has been awhile since I’ve seen one and from the looks of it, it may not settle down  until the greater part of the day. Yesterday, Melbourne experienced two small earthquakes. I wonder what’s next. This has been somewhat of an interesting trip I might add. I may stay indoors till after lunch and see if the dust storm clears before I head out to explore the city.

I must say the both of us are slowly adjusting to being around each other and it seems to be working out just fine. I love her even more as each day passes. I woke late this morning. She looked like an angel waking me this morning. It felt good. Breakfast was the usual for me. Vegemite on toast, a grilled tomato, bacon, baked beans and 2 eggs with a long black. Quite enjoyable and totally satisfying.

Spent most part of the day at the museum. More than four hours to be precise. A habit of mine whenever I visit a city and I must say, I was quite lucky to be able to catch an Egyptian exhibit where most of the artifacts displayed were from the Ptolemaic dynasty with the usual sculptures and carvings dedicated to Horus, Osiris, Thoth (depicted as an ibis) with particular emphasis to Sekhmet, a mythological warrior goddess of Upper Egypt, depicted as a lioness, the fiercest hunter known to the Egyptians. It was said that her breath created the desert. She was seen as the protector of the pharaohs and led them in warfare. Of particular interest was that I managed to finally get a close up look of “The Four sons of Horus”  the protective deities personified in the canopic jars, where the internal organs of the dead are separated and kept. The jar containing the liver was under the protection of Imsety, the jar containing the lungs had Hapi as a patron, the jar for the deceased’s stomach was protected by Duamutef and the intestines by Qebehsenuf.

Before I really delved into further depth of the subject, which happens to be something that I have a bit of interest in, I walked about the usual exhibits in the natural history section as well as the mandatory dinosaur exhibit. All in all, a good and relaxing visit. I headed to Hyde Park for a stroll and some picture taking before heading home.

We had a bit of asian food for dinner tonight for a change. Not exactly the same as her home country but I guess it was ok. She was happy and I am glad that at least she enjoyed a little bit of her dinner this time instead of feeling so miserable. Well as always, she is already fast asleep and here I am typing away.

I am turning in for the night as well. Good night.

music: Come Undone – Def Leppard

09:12

Third day in Sydney. I am mid-way into my mental healing process. Feeling much better today. I have deprived myself of my head medication for two days since Sunday and I am feeling fine. In fact I have never felt better for a long time. The mood swings are gone. I am contented and generally happy again. A few more days and peace will be in my grasp.

Strangely, whilst having my morning coffee and breakfast, this thought came to mind…. “Life is not a race. There are no real winners in a race. The true winners are those who enjoy themselves the most and share as much light and love as they can along the way. One fears that one may lose out by not being in the race. Have you ever given a thought of what you may lose out if you are not in the race?”

This evening we will be embarking on a harbor cruise. Now that should be fun. Hopefully we will finish off the day with yet another good dinner. The food here doesn’t quite agree with her so I hope we will be able to find something suitable tonight for a change.

23:43

The cruise went along smoothly. It was an enjoyable ride with a lot of photo taking opportunities. And I definitely capitalized on it every single bit. I hope the shots came out well. The boat was packed but we did manage to get a seat and the ride ended with a smattering of rain which turned into a full blown torrential rain for half an hour.

We seek refuge at Nick’s Cafe, a seafood bistro. The service was outstanding and we enjoyed every morsel of our dinner. We had oven-baked feta on arugula with a splash of balsamic vinegar and olive oil followed with a nice mushroom risotto with shaved parmesan cheese and a rack of lamb with a tomato confit, crushed olives and mashed potatoes. I had my first glass of Crown Larger and it was good. I miss the brew and it does bring back fond memories of the ol days with the blokes.

Tomorrow, I plan to visit some historical sites and generally tour a little bit of the city. It out to be fun. I hope.

music: Just Like Paradise – David Lee Roth with Steve Vai