Esoteric Liberica

So another week begins. Here I am in front of my desk plodding on my keyboard with a sore ass and a crooked back humped in front of a large monitor. Nothing on my mind. A complete void. Why am I writing this? Well, I hope I can get a bit of a kickstart to shift my brain into second gear. I have a hundred and one things to do and I do not feel like doing it right now. If a mind is like a sharpened cleaver, mine is dulled like a corroded fish knife. I guess I will have to find a way to perk myself up before my brain becomes jello.

Finally, an opportunity to write. This trip here has always been the same. Totally invidious. I never really liked coming here but I guess when one doesn’t have a choice one should never complain. Back to the task at hand then.

When we arrived on Wednesday morning, we were greeted with the usual gloomy, grey skies, smog and the multitudes of people thronging about. Just  about every other guy in this country smokes so you can imagine the amount of cigarette smoke in the air. A nightmare for asthmatics I am sure. The guy who was supposed to pick us up at the airport did not show till an hour later during which I was treated to a buffet of second hand cigarette smoke. 

Well, the guy finally showed up and when we got to the hotel it was a sight to behold. The good, it is smack in the middle of the shopping district. So food is not a problem or so I thought. And that was pretty much the only good thing about the place. Everything else was a total eye-opener and a complete sigh-a-night letdown.

My room was fairly spacious and that’s all there is to it. A wardrobe was not existent. In its place a metal rod with holes in it with wire hangers dangling. Not much can be said about the bed either. It felt more like a hospital bed, you know the ones they put you on after you get hauled up from an accident? This one was no different. The mattress was covered with a hard plastic with a thin sheet over it. The pillows, flatter than Saturday’s newspaper with air-conditioning that is meant for a meat freezer. Here’s the best bit. I have no idea where the ventilation ducts are connected to but my vents blow nicotine and second hand smoke into my room. And it is no different compared to all the other rooms. The only safe airspace is the space between the toilet bowl water level and the seat cover.

The shower was pretty amazing as well. To take a shower, one needs to be a professional contortionist. One hand holding down the button so that water will spray from the shower head, whilst the other controls the tap since the plumbing had a habit of dispensing scalding hot water anytime it chooses. Leaving the only appendages free which are my toes and feet. This proved to be a daunting task when one tries to soap himself. Therefore the only way to shower was to hold the button, turn on the tap to wet myself, run away from the spray area, walk to the counter to get my soap because there was no soap tray in the shower stall, run back to the stall again to wet the soap, run out of the stall to soak myself lest I end up cooking myself with the irregular bursts of hot water and then run in again with my finger on the button, pray like hell that I will not experience the sudden gush of boiling hot water and rinse myself off.

The expo that I attended was pure hell. My estimate is about two million visitors a day and I am just being conservative. It took us two hours just to clear registration which in itself was a complete nightmare. The usual rubbish about registering online, pre-registration, did we attend the previous show, where were our passes etc. Am I glad we only had to do this only once. The event was as always, shoulder to shoulder traffic. Couple with bad air, cigarette smoke, sweaty bodies, stale perfume and chemicals in the air, it was something I will not miss.

Getting back from the show is a laugh a minute riot. The subway was so packed, that the station officers had to “help” shoehorn the passengers in (ie. shoved us in like sardines). Breasts, ass, elbows and other body parts all crushed against one another. Makes me wonder how many women were groped every time. And if one is claustrophobic, my advice is to stay away for at least two hours until the crowd subsides. We had to wait for more than an hour to get into the station. On a regular day, it takes only 10 minutes from the convention center to the entrance of the subway. Luckily for us, we weren’t staying too far away from the convention center so the journey was bearable to say the least.

We have a free day on Sunday so I am going to take the opportunity NOT to sight see but to hole myself up in the hotel room and avoid the crowd altogether and enjoy some peace and quiet. It was spent with a casual breakfast at McDonald’s. The epitome of breakfast fine dining. I can never get used to the food here as it completely disagrees with my digestive system. Strangely, after a round at McDonald’s my stomach has settled somewhat. Imagine that. It actually took junk food to “cure” my digestion problem. However, we decided on the last minute to swing over to the trade fair one last time to pick up whatever samples we could carry back. That proved to be a major mistake. Being the last day of the event, security was relaxed and the entire convention center turned into a giant ashtray. There was so much smoke in the air that it made me sick. Coming out after the expo hall did not alleviate the problem. So what if we are out in the open? There was so much smog and people smoking outside that the only difference compared to being inside was the occasional waft of cigarette infused breeze that blew my way.

Well, it is now Sunday night. I have been putting down my thoughts whenever I can find the time and tomorrow, I am heading out of this country. Well, I won’t miss it but I do admit that there were some great bargains to be had here if I had more time to shop. I have no intention of leaving the safety and the clean air confines of my hotel room to mingle with the crowd downstairs. The guys are out gallivanting as always. I am going to give myself an early night, curl up with a good book and sleep. We are flying off at the break of dawn tomorrow morning.

Something stoked me to wake up early this morning and I returned back to church. It was good to rekindle my relationship with God. My life is getting back on track. Slowly but surely. I have her now by my side. My relationship with God is fortified. And I know when my relationship with God strengthens, so will my relation strengthen with her. I am gaining back control of my life.

I lost track of everything three years ago and now I am regaining everything. Little by little and it is all because of her.

She is truly the light in my darkened path.

Today is a remarkably good day for me. I worked from home. I stayed away from the crowds which I dislike very much. I had dinner with her and her family. And I am happy. Contented.

And I know why.

I have always been feeling miserable simply because I never had someone like-minded until she came along. Now everything is different. When I am with her I am at peace with myself. I am happy. I feel complete. I don’t feel alienated as before. I have someone who shares similarities with me.

Thank you for coming into my life.

Another entry in under less than hour. Writing is my best outlet. I am trying to psych myself out of my current mental state. Not much progress at the moment. I actually feel homesick of sorts.

What is this state of mind that eludes me? A cultural denial? Environmental displacement? Social ineptitude? Failure with readjustment? Trying too hard to conform? Or merely a mental refusal to accept what is before me? Does it go deeper?

Try as I might, I never felt I belonged here. I feel alienated. If it weren’t for her, I could have skipped the country for good. I thank God for meeting her. She has been a pillar to my sanity for the past few months.

I travel on a strange path that seems to be ever winding with so many twists and turns that I wonder if I am but a simple man caught up in a convoluted world. I do not see a lot of things other people see. I see everything as they are and live my life as simply as possible. Yet the overwhelmingly complicated expectations that stems from everyone else continue to tax my mental faculties heavily.

I yearn for a simpler life devoid of the complexities and expectations of this society that I am now in. I am who I am and that is how I am. Is it that difficult to understand and accept? Simple rules. No hidden agendas. No underlying tones or intents. Perhaps this is a state that cannot exist.

Seriously… what the hell is wrong with me? The stress, the heart palpitations, the insomnia, the nightmares are back. I was a happy man when I was away. When I came back, my demons didn’t go away. They were merely waiting to return back into my head.

My nightmares are back with a vengeance last night. Woke up screaming at 4.00 am. Why?

I could deal with the worse possible situations and stress before. Now I am just a wreck. Why?

I used to be in control with my life and what I needed to do. Now I am spiraling out of control. Why?

I used to know what my priorities were and where I was going. No longer. Why?

Every time I step out into the public, the stress in the air just drives me into a pandemonium. But it doesn’t affect me elsewhere. Why?

For some reason, a large proportion of the people here irks, irritates and stresses the hell out of me. Why?

p/s is this mid-life crisis?

Well, I am back. Realization… I am a stranger in my own backyard. I was more at home there than here. I fit in better with the general public over there. I feel more at ease, more comfortable, without stress and practically at peace with myself. But I need to adapt. I can try and continue trying. I do not know if I will be able to one day. For her I will try. She is the only reason why I am still here.

And you know what? This song says it all…. (okay, so the lyrics are a little cheesy, but only KISS can pull it off)

STAND – KISS / Sonic Boom

[Paul]
Sometimes when the days get rough
Don’t want to quit ’cause it’s much too tough
I’ll be around when the others are counting you out

[Gene]
Yeah…
You’ve heard my name, I’ll see it through
There’s nothing you can ask that I won’t do

You know it, and I know it
There’s no doubt anywhere, anyhow, any way…

[Chorus]
Stand by my side, I’ll be next to you (when you need me)
Stand by my side, and we’ll make it through

[Gene]
Oh yeah!
I’ll be there until the end
Count on me, you’ve always got a friend
I’ll be the last, when the others are passing you by

[Paul]
Oooh…
I’ll help you win, I’ll see it through
There’s nothing you can ask that I won’t do, no!

You know it, and I know it
There’s no doubt what I’m talking about when I say

Stand by my side, I’ll be next to you (we’re gonna be there)
Stand by my side, and we’ll make it through (we’re gonna make it, yeah-yeah)
Stand by my side, I’ll be there for you (we’re gonna be there, be there)
Stand by my side, and we’ll make it through
I’m there for you, let’s go!

[Guitar Solo]

Hey!

Can you hear me?

When all the others try to take you down
I’ll catch your fall before you hit the ground

Oh yeah!

No one can stop me if you need me there
I’ll be the one to drop them if they dare

[Break]
Stand by my side, we’ll get by, you and I
Stand by my side, I’ll be there for you (you and I)
Stand by my side, (we’ll get by) and we’ll make it through

Stand by my side, I’ll be next to you
Stand by my side, and we’ll make it through (yeah, just look over your shoulder)
Stand by my side, I’ll be there for you
Stand by my side, and we’ll make it through
Stand by my side, I’ll be next to you (Can you feel it? Can you hear it?)
Stand by my side, and we’ll make it through
Stand by my side, I’ll be there for you (We’re gonna make it baby)
Stand (Yeah) by my side, and we’ll make it through (Baby)

We spent the day at Hyde Park and St Mary’s Cathedral. Peaceful and calm would be the  best words to describe the experience. What ruined the day was the frigid winds that had a habit of catching us unawares and I might add the temperature shot down to about 14 degrees by late evening. On the brighter side, we had a good dinner to cap off the evening and tomorrow, we will be heading home. I hate to say this but I feel as if I am leaving home and heading back to a foreign land. Tomorrow, I will grab my last cup of long black, my bacon and egg roll and my last vegemite sandwich. Inhale my last breath of air here, savor the cold and drink my last Crown Larger. I feel rejuvenated and yet I feel sad for leaving this country again.

music: Stranger In A Strange Land – Frehley’s Comet

On a last minute whim and fancy, we signed on the a showboat dinner cruise and cabaret show. It was an enjoyable two hours with a pleasurable dinner cruise over Sydney Harbor under the stars with a scrumptious dinner and a very entertaining cabaret show to end the evening. We got home happy, exhausted and satisfied.

Being Saturday, we decided to take a ferry to Manley. We had uncanny luck today. When we reached Circular Quay, we got there barely ten minutes before the ferry was about to leave and on our return journey home, it was the same. Ten minutes before the vessel leaves. How’s that for timing? We spent a day browsing the local shops and bazaar, had an early dinner and basically had a relaxing afternoon.

Nothing exciting today, just an normal feel good and enjoyable day with her. It is nice to spend this precious moments with her before heading back to the grind of home. But in her case, I guess it’s also a good thing as she misses the weather back home.

music: Whatever It Takes – Leona Lewis