Esoteric Liberica

I am getting old. I don’t think I can do what I used to do in the past.  My body is hurting like hell and sore as anything. My calves hurt, my back hurts, my shoulders and arms hurt and even my finger tips hurt. All I did was carry a single mattress and an unassembled bed up a flight of stairs, , fixed 2 4-Panel Dividers, demolished a wardrobe and bits of this and that. Nothing doing. And here I am in pain. Guess the muscles aren’t what they are anymore.

On another note, the nicotine addiction is definitely wearing off. The cravings are ebbing away and I don’t feel as nervous as before.  I must say it is doing wonders for me. There’s no trace of nicotine as far as I can tell but she’s got an ultra sensitive nose so she still tells me I still have traces of it on me. I guess it will be awhile before it disappears completely. Besides, standing next to a bunch of guys who smoke doesn’t quite help but I must say, my will power is getting stronger each day.

I feel more energized every morning when I wake even though I seem to be sleeping much later than usual. Perhaps the energy comes from her? I am inclined to think so. Every night I go to bed with no weight on my shoulders no matter how bad the day may be. She is the last person I think of every night before I close my eyes. We just have so much to talk about every day. I have never ever in my life found someone so full of life and with so much I have in common with. She is just so amazing.

I hope that we will be able to make a life for ourselves. I don’t mind waiting for her and even in the end she doesn’t commit, I am fine with that. She is entitled to what she believes in and I am sure when she is ready she will know what to do. For now, I appreciate and cherish her companionship, friendship and love. And that is good enough for me as I know that she is now in my life and I in hers.

I am not that young anymore and half my life span has already flashed by me. I have had a string of strange and rocky relationships as far back as I can remember. It has all come to an end now. I found her. I thank God. I finally found her.

Spent an interesting day at her place yesterday. Well, I supposed people may call it boring and some of you may even give me a dumbfounded look. But let me tell you this boys and girls, it was a good day spent and I enjoyed doing what I do.

The short and the quick, I helped her put together a bed, some shelves, built 2 partitions and took apart a rather large and heavy wardrobe. I hurt all over and even my thighs are seizing up with cramps. Looks like I am really not that young anymore. However, it gave me a lot of peace and happiness.

So you may say that I am nuts but let me tell you that I have never felt more belonged, contented and happy to be doing this sort of stuff at her home. I get to bond with her kids a little, at the same time teach them a little about safety with tools (although I doubt if I was successful) and most of all spend time with her.  And the bonus, new furniture about her home. I’d say it is a pretty good arrangement don’t you think?

Everything is moving at a very nice pace now. I am extremely comfortable with her and how we are progressing. I am grateful each and every morning when I wake that she is now in my life. I know some of you skeptics are probably saying that it’s temporary bliss. Well, watch and see. More good things to come

I can’t express how glad I am to open up my thoughts to her last night. I know everything seems to be moving rather quickly and faster than anticipated or expected but I must say that I did not feel as if we are rushing into things. Everything is going smoothly and the feeling is as if we had known each other for years not weeks or months. How is this possible?

I do know one thing, the euphoria of knowing a person for the very first time is definitely gone. I am not excited like a teenager in love every time we meet. I do not feel smitten in any way. Neither do I feel the anxiousness, the anticipation nor the insecurity. I had that in the early weeks but no more.

I feel relaxed, comfortable, confident and happy to see her each time we meet. My heart warms when I see her. When she smiles, it does not send a tingle down my spine but fills me with happiness and elation knowing that all is well.

Being with her does not send my heart pounding with anticipation. On the contrary, being with her makes me feel whole again. I feel that I am reunited again with someone who was lost to me a long time ago.

She feels like my familiar other. My significant other.

I can feel the invisible bond that seem to bind our souls together.

I don’t know where to find the words to describe this incredible feeling but this is as best as I can put it.

As always, I have this thing about reflecting on whatever that had transpired the previous day.

I now fully understand why you are the way that you are now. And I saw the real you yesterday. Which made me hurt even more to know what you have been through. I cannot turn back the clock for you . Nor can I change all that has happened. It wasn’t possible then for me to be there for you. But now things are different.

I know that it will never be possible to erase the past completely. But I will help you wipe that stained slate clean and etch new beginnings on it. A permanent one. The old were but stains that will be removed. I will make sure that you will be able to experience the happier side of life from now on. I want you to know what it is like to share and live a life in a different world from where you are now.

These things will take time. Maybe many years before you are ready. But as we move along, you will see that the world can be a beautiful place. And I have all the time in the world

Today marks a truly remarkable day for me.

Today, I finally found purpose
Today, I felt like the luckiest man alive in the world
Today, I survived without a single nicotine craving
Today, I stopped being a workaholic
Today, I understand everything

Today, I know what I really want

Today, I know who I really want to be with

So much for 12 days of struggling to quit the habit. I couldn’t resist taking a stick this morning. And as my luck would always have it, I got busted. Well, then again, I have never been good at hiding and 10 out of 10 I always get busted.

She must be real disappointed with me.I could tell by the expression on her face. I felt really bad too. I am wrought with guilt this time. I promised but I didn’t make good. I will try again and keep at it. Again and again until I beat this addiction. I want to get it out of me.

I had major trouble sleeping last night after my long and harrowing teleconference with the other shareholders. Seems like these people have no idea what they want. One moment they wanted a chinese styled cafe. Another minute they want to covert the place into a bar and serve alcohol. Next was to convert the place into some crappy outlet selling cheap $3 meals, take away the air-conditioning and start selling regular soft drinks. Seriously, what is wrong with these people?

The original concept was already screwed up as it is. And after one month of trying to repair the damage, they are back with their idiotic suggestions and I am not even halfway done with reinstating the cafe back to its original concept.  I am sick and tired of having to put up with this every other week.

I felt as if I didn’t sleep a wink last night.

Spent my free day with my dear friend and cooked something simple for her family. It was nice to be able to enjoy a homecooked meal with people close to my heart. I enjoyed the conversation and company. Makes me feel alive again. All this made me realize that the people I had known before were all wrong for me. Now here’s someone who appreciates and shares similiar passions and values that I have. I treasure her very much. More than she realizes even?

Day 12. Almost two weeks passed. Sense of smell and taste returning. The craving is still strong. Woke up this morning with muscular cramps on my right leg and toe. I slept well last night without nightmares but I am still feeling lethargic as hell.